The Numerous Invisible Shitheads + Other Fragments
Today, annoyed at poisonous jackal-faced invisible shits who somehow conspire to make life miserable all the time for just about everyone, I decided to go get a couple of bottles of beer to try and relax. Well, I can’t say that it’s been particularly helpful.
Gee whiz, sometimes things aren’t very easy. For instance, winning a game of Monopoly is often difficult, because even if you’re ahead some wee fucker stays alive with his mortaged Baltic place for like three years or until you claw your own eyes out, whichever comes first.
Also, now that I am growing old and gray like some weird saggy mule, I think that I perhaps should have picked an occupation/past time that involved more movement. I’m not much for movement, but not because I have a hard time performing physical feats of derring-do and action stunts. Instead, I decided that I should do something that involved not so much moving and more thinking. Now I walk down the street and think that I should have been a ballerina or maybe a BMX bike racer.
Right then: let’s cut the crap. Has anyone else had the peculiar sense that time is speeding up? Maybe even just slightly? As if maybe, for no real reason whatsoever, our perceptions of things are slowling down? I’m fairly sure that this is the case, and—in fact—I’ll do you one better. I think that this has more than a little to do with the fact that the magnetic poles of the earth are drifting, and that the North pole is drifting more than the south pole. The axial tilt of the earth has also been compromised, and its rotation is irregular, like a heart beating arrythmically.
Try this simple experiment: Check your watch every time that you think that fifteen minutes have passed. Chances are that you’ll check it too often at first, because you’re being eager. Once you let it alone for a while, and get into a “groove,” as they say, you’ll check it every twenty minutes or so. Proof positive.
December 16th, 2005 at 9:40 am
For me, it’s not so much that time is passing more quickly, as the density of space is increasing. And, for some reason, the mass of particles which are most annoying are those increasing most rapidly. These particles include: obnoxious drivers, screaming babies, garbage trucks, bitchy women, mysterious ants, papercuts, dry elbows, coffee tables to bark my shins on, christmas carols, dust bunnies, shouting, hissing steam, boring architecture, slushy puddles, misspellings, bad food and creationists.
why, you might ask as I ask myself, are only these commodities on the rise? or am I turning into a mighty magnet for such things and only their local incidence has increased while their total population is steady. If, as you suggest, the poles of the earth are shifting, then perhaps the earth’s magnetic center of the annoying has shifted to me.
doesn’t that make you feel better?
December 19th, 2005 at 8:59 am
For me, mouse feces seems to be on the rise.
December 20th, 2005 at 8:37 am
who knows… maybe you’re getting hanta virus as a bonus with those mouse feces.
December 20th, 2005 at 8:26 pm
Everyone is all worried about Hanta virus but me . . . not so much. Less than two hundred people have died of it in the last decade, and mice leave millions of little fecal pellets in people’s kitchens each year. Frankly, I’m more worried about being hit by a car.
But still: fucking mouse feces.
December 27th, 2005 at 1:23 pm
A lot of those things you both mention were on the rise for me for a long time, especially bitchy women and screaming babies, but I moved the fuck out the city. Now drunk drivers, junk catalogs, and Josh Groban are on the rise. You win some, you lose some.
And on the Monopoly tip: it doesn’t take long if you play against my Mom: she kicked my ass in about a half hour by landing on Free Parking every second tour around, and by avoiding my light blues like the dickens. Just got the 2004 World Series Red Sox edition, so I was probably distracted by having to weep every time I passed Johnny Damon (Kentucky, I think).