Cooking with Hench. BAM!
Bang fucking bang, you know what I like to eat? Food. That’s right, real, edible food. If you’re hungry, there’s nothing like some food to fill your stomach so you are no longer hungry.
So, before I met Sarah, I used to eat really abysmal shit. I just don’t think that I understood food, and eating out always seemed expensive. Besides, growing up my parents never really ate out. Not like there was many places to eat where I was, but you get the idea. So I just kind of ate whatever the fuck.
Sarah has convinced me to try eating other things, and so for a number of years I have been known to try my hand at making all sorts of fancy stuff, and go out to eat all the time.
Recently, however, I’ve had to save money. A lot of money, which I’m going to keep in big canvas bags with dollar signs on them under my bed and deposit in offshore accounts. So, as you can see, I’m tightening the belt and revisiting some of my favorite recipes from the past. Shall we take a stroll down memory lane together?
***Rice & beans
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: This is a staple of the RKS diet, as many of you know. Basically, to make rice and beans you make some rice and add about half a can of beans. If you want to be healthy about it, make brown rice. WARNING: Brown rice takes a long time to cook.
You can spice this dish up with basically any spice that there is. Pepper is good, but so is curry and stuff like that. Add garlic to the beans for an “Italian” flavor.
***Indian Food
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Make some basmati rice and add half a can of chick peas. You basically want to get some curry sauce for this.
***Rice
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Make some rice and add soy sauce or, if you’re feeling frisky, teryaki sauce.
***Steamed Spinach
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Steam spinach.
***Bagels
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Eat bagels.
***Eggs
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Eggs are good for you. I think that we all know how to make eggs. I would recommend combining them with toast for particularly a particularly “homey” feel. Eggs can also be boiled and stowed away in your pocket for enjoyment later on.
***Tofu sandwich
COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Place tofu, mustard, and onions on two slices of rye bread.
REMEMBER: The important thing is not what you eat. The important thing is that you should be careful to visualize that the food you are eating is more substantial than it actually is. Lets say you have to eat rice for three days. You should pretend that you are a monk, and that it is nourishing your spirit. This is easy to do when it is a financial necessity—however, when you’re trying to sock money away, it becmes much more difficult.
To maintain my concentration in this mad pursuit, I meditate every evening. I imagine a glowing ball of white energy entering my mouth and exiting my rectum. It bores a hole into the center of the earth, releasing lava. Consumed by the lava, my body disappears. My spirit form climbs a chrome staircase into the center of the sun, where I find a green door. I open the door at the exact moment of the first solar eclipse in 100,000 years, where I find a magical flying space horse that ferries me off to Xanadu.
So fuck you!
Anyway, I’m going to go take a stroll and let the lentils digest.
December 15th, 2005 at 7:35 am
When Rick and I lived together in North B, he derived most of his calories from rice that he stole from our roommate, seasoned with spices that he stole from me. He ate one half of a can of beans with his rice each day. Given that these cans of beans were 3 for a dollar at the local Hannaford’s, Rick was spending all of seventeen cents a day on food. If you include the occasional package of tempe that he allowed himself, Rick was still spending less th four dollars a week on food (not counting beer or coffee).
This guy is freaking disciplined.
December 15th, 2005 at 2:26 pm
I’d like to jump in here and say that, although there is no excuse for me stealing Garths Tumeric lo those many years ago, the rice I stole was from a 20 pound bag. 20 pounds! I might have eaten four pounds. That left 16 pounds of fucking rice. They guy who owned it ate maybe half a pound. I was just doing my part to prevent wastage.