Hench!

Today, annoyed at poisonous jackal-faced invisible shits who somehow conspire to make life miserable all the time for just about everyone, I decided to go get a couple of bottles of beer to try and relax. Well, I can’t say that it’s been particularly helpful.

Gee whiz, sometimes things aren’t very easy. For instance, winning a game of Monopoly is often difficult, because even if you’re ahead some wee fucker stays alive with his mortaged Baltic place for like three years or until you claw your own eyes out, whichever comes first.

Also, now that I am growing old and gray like some weird saggy mule, I think that I perhaps should have picked an occupation/past time that involved more movement. I’m not much for movement, but not because I have a hard time performing physical feats of derring-do and action stunts. Instead, I decided that I should do something that involved not so much moving and more thinking. Now I walk down the street and think that I should have been a ballerina or maybe a BMX bike racer.

Right then: let’s cut the crap. Has anyone else had the peculiar sense that time is speeding up? Maybe even just slightly? As if maybe, for no real reason whatsoever, our perceptions of things are slowling down? I’m fairly sure that this is the case, and—in fact—I’ll do you one better. I think that this has more than a little to do with the fact that the magnetic poles of the earth are drifting, and that the North pole is drifting more than the south pole. The axial tilt of the earth has also been compromised, and its rotation is irregular, like a heart beating arrythmically.

Try this simple experiment: Check your watch every time that you think that fifteen minutes have passed. Chances are that you’ll check it too often at first, because you’re being eager. Once you let it alone for a while, and get into a “groove,” as they say, you’ll check it every twenty minutes or so. Proof positive.

Bang fucking bang, you know what I like to eat? Food. That’s right, real, edible food. If you’re hungry, there’s nothing like some food to fill your stomach so you are no longer hungry.

So, before I met Sarah, I used to eat really abysmal shit. I just don’t think that I understood food, and eating out always seemed expensive. Besides, growing up my parents never really ate out. Not like there was many places to eat where I was, but you get the idea. So I just kind of ate whatever the fuck.

Sarah has convinced me to try eating other things, and so for a number of years I have been known to try my hand at making all sorts of fancy stuff, and go out to eat all the time.

Recently, however, I’ve had to save money. A lot of money, which I’m going to keep in big canvas bags with dollar signs on them under my bed and deposit in offshore accounts. So, as you can see, I’m tightening the belt and revisiting some of my favorite recipes from the past. Shall we take a stroll down memory lane together?

***Rice & beans

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: This is a staple of the RKS diet, as many of you know. Basically, to make rice and beans you make some rice and add about half a can of beans. If you want to be healthy about it, make brown rice. WARNING: Brown rice takes a long time to cook.

You can spice this dish up with basically any spice that there is. Pepper is good, but so is curry and stuff like that. Add garlic to the beans for an “Italian” flavor.

***Indian Food

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Make some basmati rice and add half a can of chick peas. You basically want to get some curry sauce for this.

***Rice

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Make some rice and add soy sauce or, if you’re feeling frisky, teryaki sauce.

***Steamed Spinach

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Steam spinach.

***Bagels

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Eat bagels.

***Eggs

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Eggs are good for you. I think that we all know how to make eggs. I would recommend combining them with toast for particularly a particularly “homey” feel. Eggs can also be boiled and stowed away in your pocket for enjoyment later on.

***Tofu sandwich

COOKING INSTRUCTIONS: Place tofu, mustard, and onions on two slices of rye bread.

REMEMBER: The important thing is not what you eat. The important thing is that you should be careful to visualize that the food you are eating is more substantial than it actually is. Lets say you have to eat rice for three days. You should pretend that you are a monk, and that it is nourishing your spirit. This is easy to do when it is a financial necessity—however, when you’re trying to sock money away, it becmes much more difficult.

To maintain my concentration in this mad pursuit, I meditate every evening. I imagine a glowing ball of white energy entering my mouth and exiting my rectum. It bores a hole into the center of the earth, releasing lava. Consumed by the lava, my body disappears. My spirit form climbs a chrome staircase into the center of the sun, where I find a green door. I open the door at the exact moment of the first solar eclipse in 100,000 years, where I find a magical flying space horse that ferries me off to Xanadu.

So fuck you!

Anyway, I’m going to go take a stroll and let the lentils digest.